Father, Faith, & Reflections
***Random Play
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Corrinne May: Beautiful Seed
*Sade: Lovers Rock
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Sharleen Spiteri: Melody
*Sarah McLachlan: Afterglow
Today is the last day of 2008. I've been up for most of the night catching up on work and trying to stay ahead so that I can have a few more days in relaxed mode. As I did my work, I found myself asking, "Xavier, are you wiser now than you were a year ago?" I don't know if I am wiser but I do know that I am emotionally more grounded than I was a year ago. This time last year, I was grieving over the death of my Father. For much of last year, the roles were reversed...I found myself playing the Father figure and my Father became the child. I knew that there would be a day when the tables would be turned, but I didn't expect it to unfold the way it did.
Father was connected to Mother Earth in the sense that he loved to work on various projects. He loved being outdoors. He enjoyed building things. He took pride in being his own person. He was the drummer, brass and woodwind sections of his own band. He was intelligent yet he was much of a simple man. He lived for his family. I was proud to be his son yet I feared that I wouldn't measure up to be the man he'd expect from his only son.
Months before he passed away, Father and I had various heart to heart conversations. We said everything that needed to be said. We held nothing back. He asked me if I was happy in this world. I didn't quite know how to answer because I didn't know how to answer to my Father. He looked right at me and said, "When I'm gone, I want you to be happy and feel connected with your life. I thank God for allowing me to be your Father. Continue to do me proud, Son." He gave me a smile and our eyes met. At that moment, we both knew that we didn't have much time. I held his hand and gave him reasons why God gave him life and made him my Father. It was conversation that plays over and over in my head.
At the Memorial service, I remember feeling numb. I knew I had to be strong for my Mother, Sister, and nieces but I was weak inside. I cry at the drop of hat. All it takes is a sentimental tv commercial and I'm teary eyed. Through most of the service, I tried to take in as many happy memories of Father and our family together. I can recall arriving on a trip during the Summer of 2007 and he was proud that I lost 60 something pounds. He said that I finally looked like him. A compliment that I'll never forget. As a fat child and teenager, he always reminded me that I was too big and that it wouldn't help me out in life. He'd say, "I don't want people to look at my Son and say he's weak. I want people to be mezmorized by this spirit." During this last 18 months of life, I knew that there was a possibility that he would lose his life to Cancer...so I did all I can to look good for myself and my Father.
So here I sit...about 15 pounds heavier than I was at this time last year. I'm not proud of this but I am determined to change that. It helps that I can actually see difference and changes due to a scale and body measurements. It's much harder to determine and answer a question such as 'Are you wiser now than you were a year ago?'
Before my own battle with Cancer, I was on a selfish journey. During Cancer, I learned the truth about the meaning of Life. It never fails, just when I feel as though I understand all the twists and curves of life, I'm thrown for another loop. I do know that Change is inevitable and I need to adjust like a feather fluttering in the wind. Since my Father passed away, I have felt a stronger bond to God, the Virgin Mary, my Angels and Patron Saints. So many other things happened since my Father passed away that aren't really important at this time. Why? Because things have sorted themselves out. Many things in my life are better now than they've ever been. I'm blessed for allowing myself to feel, think, and properly respond. I've always said that it's not about the moments but how we react to them. I had to climb from a few dark corners to really understand what that meant. I know that I'm strong enough to handle anything. Anything.
I am ready to take my whole life to the next level. Time to take this Xavierism model and see what I can really do. So many projects are heading my way. So many things on my To Do List. I am excited about 2009. Thank you to those of you that have allowed me to share with you. I look foward to sharing in the New Year. I've learned from every one that's touched my life. Here's to us...may the Blessings continue throughout the New Year!
PS...I must admit I've held up damn well these past 10 years. Praise, Baby!
Current Music: Laura Maire's In Code
Current Mood: Contemplative, Sleepy, & Hopeful
