Xavierism

A Collection of Thoughts

***Random Play

*Idina Menzel: I Stand

*Jamie Drake: When I Was Yours

*Jonny Diaz: More Beautiful You

*Tara MacLean: Passenger

*Lamb: Between Darkness & Wonder

*Amanda Marshall: Tuesday's Child

We're already into April of 2012. When I was in my 20's and enjoying Life's thrills and surprises, I never once thought about how Life would be while in my 40's. Now I find myself asking God to slow down the Wheel of Time. Older I get the more I realize how valuable moments really are & embrace the joy for each breath that I'm allowed and given.

This coming Saturday, I will be running the Hollywood Half Marathon. This will be my 5th Half Marathon this year and 11th overall since I took up running last year. I look forward to running through the streets of Hollywood.

I took up running again for the sole purpose of losing weight. So many times I've lost weight over and over again through proper nutrition and running...only to stop completely and continue the Yo Yo Dieting Syndrome. This time I have stuck to the program and can finally state that this has become a lifestyle. I've worked so hard to turn back. I've ran so many miles only to gain all the weight back and lose self confidence. I have a great support group of friends and fellow runners. Mornings when I don't want to run, I remind myself how lonely I felt when I was overweight. The weight gain always affects my social life. I feel heavy and overweight, I avoid social outings with friends. I'm blessed and thankful that I haven't felt this way in over two years.

One of the joys of running, in my opinion, is facing your demons through self meditation and therapy during runs. It's just me and the open road. Music is usually playing very low but when the voices in my head start to overwhelm my thoughts, I have no choice but to deal with situations head on. I find that I'm not as stressed as before. There's nothing like running or playing tennis and working up a good sweat.

I'm not a great runner so I can't give tips on running but I feel I am qualified to share the simple joys of running. I will never win a race. I will never be at the top of my age division. I will however be listed as someone that completed a race. I will take joy that the weight continues to stay off. At 47, I'm more determined to take care of this body than ever before.

I so wanted to run this morning but decided to lay off and save the fresh legs for Saturday's race. I want to run a good race. I know I have it in me.

Holy week is always so special. Easter brings back so many wonderful memories from my childhood. I can remember the beautiful Easter baskets filled with chocolate goodies that would be waiting for us after Sunday Mass. I will have a few chocolates on Easter as a reward.

The older I get the more I relish in the simple joys of Life. Countless Blessings are all around me.

Current Music: Jamie Drake's Beautiful

Current Mood: Thankfully thankful for This Very Moment!

Recollections

 

***Random Play

*Francesca Battistelli: My Paper Heart - Deluxe Edition

*Whitney Houston: I Look To You

*Matt Dusk: Two Shots

*Judith Owen: Here

*Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Read My Lips

*Will Young: The Hits

Great weekend. I kept to myself for the most part. I did enjoy a Saturday morning run and breakfast with friend, Lark. I attended early Mass on Sunday and returned home and meditated, prayed & spent time recollecting precious moments from my past. I sorted out boxes and boxes of old photographs, letters & cards.

I thoroughly enjoyed the 84th Academy Awards. I am happy that Meryl Streep took home the Oscar for the Best Actress for her role as the Iconic Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. I wasn't too fond with how the movie show cased the former leader as senile but Meryl was superb during Thatcher's peak years. I was quite happy to see that recognition was given to a woman that portrayed the Life of an amazing woman of the 20th Century. The Academy got it right this time!

I'm ready to start training for my next half marathon: Six Tunnels to the Hoover Dam Half Marathon. My right foot feels good. I'm so ready to prove to myself that I can run a better race after that last half marathon.

A close friend of the family passed away last weekend. This woman was part of my childhood memories. She had 3 children but I was close to the oldest daughter that was a year younger than myself. She was diagnosed with Cancer and after her long battle of illness, she was never quite the same. I had various conversations with her during the last of her years and she was simply tired. When I last visited with her, I didn't see the 73 year old woman but rather the young woman she was that I remembered during my grade school years. She was a strong and fierce woman. This served as a reminder that we are all apart of one another's lives.

This week I reconnected with former best friends during two very rough periods of my life. I'm so blessed to have these 4 people back in my life. Ann was a dear friend of mine just before I came out. We parted ways because she was engaged to her then boyfriend and didn't like our relationship. The three male friends became my best friends during the years I came out. They were there for and with me through the beginning of my 'gay' life. I don't know how I would have made it this far without them. Kim, Rodney & Harry were true gifts of friendships. Love or hate Facebook, it has the power to reconnect with the ones you've truly missed in your life.

I treasure the friendships I currently have and those I lost for one reason or another. Last Summer I was constantly praising three people for their friendship. Turns out I'm no longer friends with those three individuals. Sad but Life goes on. The blessings that resulted from those friendships were two people that are still in my Life - Patty & Arriana. I am thankful that my inner circle consists of the same friends as always. 2012 started off rocky but I feel the tide turning. I'm ready to get back on track and follow the detour so that I can get back on my path to this journey called Life.

Ben Rector recored an outstanding cover of Whitney Houston's ' I Wanna Dance with Somebody' on January 15th, 2012. This cover is special because he recorded this before the Woman with 'The Voice' passed away. He played all the instruments & sang the back up vocals. Love how musicans turn an amazing song and mold it into a song of their own. Hope you enjoy this cover as performed by Ben.

Simple Joys are all around us - they're like little treasures. Take a moment and search - you'll be surprised at what you'll find.

****CHEERS!****

Current Music: Judith Owen's Here

Current Mood: Wide Awake & Thankful for this Moment!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas...

Celebrate the True Meaning of Christmas, Be thankful for all Blessings; big and small and Feel the Love & Joy of the Season. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

Summer Joy

Snapshot from recent LA trip: A Moment at The Beach at Santa Monica

***Random Play
*Matt York: Mine
*Laura Marie: Last Of The Ones
*Jamie Drake: When I Was Yours
*Gary Go: Self Titled CD, Go
*Natalie Merchant: Leave Your Sleep, CD 2
*Sharleen Spiteri: Melody

I seem to reflect most about my life during summer moments. I can recall perfect summer moments from my childhood. My favorite memory? Easy. They usually included evenings at Buelita's. She and I would spend hours talking about nothing and everything. Night would fall and the sound of crickets would get louder and louder. My Grandmother would say that the crickets were thirsty. We would then water the whole front and back yard. Once we did that, the crickets were quiet. Sweet memories.

Last summer I had to separate myself from a circle of friends that were toxic. This summer has been all about good times with great friends. Entertainment monkeys going through their own dramas...a girlfriend or two are dealing with the "same story, different guy" syndrome but other than that, it's a peaceful summer. I've connected with great people and new friends. Pool is heating up, wines are chillin'...it's gonna be a great Summer!

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: Gary Go's Wonderful
Current Mood: HAPPY!

Proud to be Latino

***Random Play
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Salvador: Aware
*Nichole Nordeman: Woven & Spun
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Paolo Nutini: Sunny Side Up

Like so many other Hispanics, I was glued to the television so I could watch CNN's Soledad O'brien's Latino in America. I was watching this show along with many of my Latino Brothers and Sisters. Thanks to the social network power of Twitter, we were able to share in real time. Actually, most shared their thoughts while I sat back and watched the show.

From what I gathered so many Hispanics felt that their similar Life history wasn't revealed within any of the stories shared. While I did agree with this take, I also felt that the show didn't take me on a journey of any sorts. Yes, it shared life stories about those that struggled to find a place within our American society but I wanted to feel the human interest element about every day Hispanics coping with every day life. 

I was expecting to watch a story about a single young Latina woman raising her children on her own and working a full time job. To share her powerful story...an every day struggle that women of all colours can relate and understand. I know so many of these Hispanic women. These woman can't even enjoy a time out because she has to deal with Life in the moment. Stories about Mothers that thank God that their teenage sons return home at the end of the day for fear of gangs and it's 'dark alley'. This was far from what I expected. It seems as though I had a whole show playing in my head and it was nothing like the segment I watched on CNN.

I know numerous Hispanic people that could be considered mentors for our young youth. Many that would inspire those of all ages. I wanted to watch stories that would have me cheering for my brothers and sisters as I would a football game. I wanted to be proud of our those that were part of Soledad's story. Instead, I was left feeling as though I watched a bad movie and kept asking myself, "Was that it?"

I was blessed to be born into an amazing family. I grew up to believe that Education was the key. What I learned early on was that Education also came in the form of every day Life's experiences. Since I was a young child, I knew I was gay. I didn't know the 'what' or 'why' details but I knew I was different from most of the boys. I can remember being ridiculed for 'being different'. I now know that these feelings caused me to be an emotional eater and the main reason for being overweight during those years. I was up to 250 when graduated high school. I am so thankful for my Catholic faith. Yes, I am very thankful that my Buelita raised me to believe in Angels and Saints. Because of her, I believe my Faith in God, helped me through so many dark moments.

After battles with Cancer, I believe that I am here for a reason. I'm here to share, inspire, and be inspired. Latinos, like every colour and nationality, we want to be respected. We are more than just a maid, gardener, or gang member on a TV show. Maybe I do have more stories to share...

Final thought? I want thank those Latinos that have inspired me throughout my Life. I want to thank those Latinos/Latinas of today that inspire me to be a better person tomorrow. I'm proud to be surrounded by so many Brothers and Sisters that are doing just that. I'm one of 51 million Latinos in American. I'm proud to be Latino.

    Current Music: Laura Marie's In Code

Current Mood: Proud

Thoughts on My Birthday/Repost from 07/02/2008

Baby Xavier on his 1st Birthday

***I felt this post from last year describes very much how I feel today. I thought a repost of this entry would be appropriate.

***Random Play
*Maureen Murphy: Won't Wait Around EP
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Guyton Maurice: 20 Questions
*Mozella: I Will
*Sia: Some People Have Real Problems
*Melissa Polinar: Sound Vault Sessions EP

Last night I caught myself asking God for a Bubble Gum wish. With every thing happening in the world, I couldn't believe I was asking him for such a self pity wish. I was reminded immediately of an episode of Touch By An Angel when Tess says, "God is not a vending machine where you stick in your prayer and pull out your prize." That's so true. I remember as a kid and didn't want to go to school the following morning, I'd make silly deals with God. My favourite one that I can remember was "God, If you make it so that I wake up and it's Sunday again, I promise to be good when it's Monday, okay?"

One of my favourite chores to do around the house is to hang the clothes to dry on the breeze catcher. Doing so reminds me of childhood memories when Buelita would wash clothes out on her back yard. She would hand wash the clothes on an old time washing machine. Then she would hang the clothes on the clothes lines. I remember walking up and down the rows as the clothes would dry. On windy days, the coolness of the damps clothes would feel good against my arms and face. On those same windy days, the wind chimes would be ringing and ringing. It's as though they were singing and sharing their own story. To this day, I hear wind chimes and I think of my Buelita.

Today is another Birthday. I'm a year old yet I'm better looking than ever (<--pure sarcasm). How ever God manages that, I'll never know...but I'm thankful! I'm in my 40's yet my spirit is like that of a teenager's. I remember the growing years where we'd play with the neighbourhood children until it was time to come in to eat dinner with the family. Board games were part of our culture. Riding bicycles up and down the street was actually fun and worthwhile. During summers, Mother would make popsicles from the Tupperware molds.

I'm another year older...but so much younger inside. I'm a responsible adult but deep down the child in me lives on through my wonderful memories. I'm blessed to state that I could never blame a thing on my childhood. Love was abundance. The only thing that is different this birthday that all the others is that I won't get to hear my Father say, "Happy Birthday, Son!". It's been seven months since he's passed on and my life feels somewhat incomplete. Although I've felt that emptiness since Buelita's death. It's a comfort that she comes to me in dreams. I've sensed her from time to time...so I know her love is always with me.

All in all, I'm blessed to be where I'm at in this world. I wouldn't want to be in my 20's. I wouldn't want to be someone else. I may envy someone else's waist size but I wouldn't want to be that person. I'm happy being me. At the end of the day, I thank God for blessing me with two wonderful parents. Like all my other Birthdays, I do not celebrate another year of my life, I celebrate that life that was given to me by my parents & God.

Thank you for the phone calls, emails, text messages, ecards, comments, and the love today. You've made me feel special. I'm honoured to have the people I call friends and family in my life. Thank you!

To all the Americans, embrace and Have a wonderful 4th of July! May Americans and this government wake up and realize that so much of this world could care less about democracy. It's time that the US stood firm and proud again. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else other than The United States of America!

*****BLESSINGS!*****

Current Music: Laura Marie's In Code
Current Mood: Blessed, Thirsty, & Hot!

Life & Love...

***Random Play
*Dave Yaden: Bear Me Up
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Jon McLaughlin: Ok Now
*Morley: Seen
*Will Young: Changes
*Diana Winter: Escapizm

***Paragraphs below were written on Thursday, April 2nd, evening of last week.***

This past week was emotionally rough. I found out that a good friend that has been battling Cancer was placed in Hospice care. She is an amazing woman, a great wife, a Mother of three beautiful grown up children. I thought to myself, "How could God allow this to happen?" I know it's not God's fault...it's just my way of lashing out. Anyway, I've spent time with her and during our times together, she has me listen to her stories about her life, things she wants for me to tell her children and husband when she is no longer here. I sit there and take it all in. We cry together. She gives me strength. She is a reason why I must love my life, why I must do what I need to do so that I can be truly happy about myself and all that I do in this world.

These things happen and my eyes and soul open up. I soak in the simple blessings in my world. Each morning I wake up, I thank God for allowing me to wake up and continue my world filled with Love.

***Today, Thursday, April 9th***

Thank you, Josie for the compliment on my blog. I love to write but for some reason, it's been a love/hate tooth and nail thing for the past year. I really miss writing about the internal things that really make my mind swirl with amazement. Gotta get back into the swing of just writing and taking notes. For instance, I would have deleted the above paragraphs and started on this...but I couldn't delete what I had because it was emotionally hard for me to write.

I am so thankful that my Father is no longer suffering. His last year of life was physically enduring. I remember Buelita would often make comments about the Passion of Life and how it parallels the hardships before Death. I never really understood until I witnesses my Grandmother (Mother's mother) suffer before her death. She held on as long as she could.

The moment that Father crossed over felt like an eternity. I won't write about those details because it's so very personal. I can recall the empty feeling and sadness of loss but also blessed that he was no longer suffering. Those moments were so drawn out. I could sense that Mother and Sis felt the same way. His spirit was finally free to roam.

I wasn't prepared to see my Father being placed in a body bag on a stretcher and leaving the hospital. The reality of the suffering, the caring, the Love...it hit. It hit hard. A Love so much that I actually came to an understanding with God weeks later.

I have dealt with the pain. I talk to God, Angels, and Patron Saints each and every day. So when I found out that a dear friend was placed in Hospice care, I felt all of the emotions I felt from Grandmother's and Father's time during that same time.

I did see my friend that is in Hospice care today. She is hanging on to live for as long as she can. She has Love on her side and wants to breathe in every bit of that Love. She is an inspiration.

Love & Faith move me.

Current Mood: Blessed, Loved, & Inspired

Blossom Dearie

I just heard on the radio that Blossom Dearie died yesterday morning at her home in New York City. She was 82 years old. From a very early age, I knew about Blossom Dearie and her music thanks to my parents. I remember spending hours and hours listening to records of Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington, Dean Martin, Etta Jones, Judy Garland, Peggy Lee, and Blossom Dearie. Blossom's voice was always a simple fresh & clean musical joy. The lyrics to her songs were easy to remember and her voice was always melodic...her phrazing was always what you'd expect from Blossom Dearie.

She will be greatly missed in the jazz and cabaret world. She left this world a variety of chic and classic songs. If you really never knew her, I suggest you do. You'll find something that will musically move you.

I always felt a comfort while listening to Blossom's voice. I can remember moments as a child singing along to her music and not a single worry in the world. May Blossom Dearie live in a heavenly world with no worries at all. She deserves nothing less.

Current Music: Blossom Dearie's version of Surrey With the Fringe on Top playing in my head

Current Mood: Sleepy and Sad

2009 Fiesta Bowl

I am thrilled to state that I witnessed the Texas Longhorns defeat the Ohio State Buckeyes 24-21 in the 2009 Fiesta Bowl. For years and years I've been waiting for the Longhorns to return to this bowl. I would have preferred that they had played for the BCS National Championship game but this was bittersweet. We were worried that we didn't have great seats. Luckily, we had great seats. We sat to the side of The Longhorn Band. It's an incredible feeling to be seated with fellow die hard Longhorn fans at a post season bowl. A team's whole season rests on one final game.

Rodan isn't much for sports but since he's had to put up with this Sports whore, it only seemed fitting that he be a part of this great event. I woke up early yesterday morning. I couldn't sleep due to excitement. The College Football's Greatest Party, prior to the game was fun. Tickets included a meal, a drink, and Tostitos Chips and Salsa. We mingled and chatted with various fans from Texas. 

The Fiesta Bowl has rich tradition. I can remember being a little boy and watching the games with my parents and sister. So being at this game and watching the Longhorns was simply a great evening. College football comes to an end on Thursday evening. After that, I adjust to other sports. As much as I love other sports, there's nothing quite like LONGHORN football. I'm ready to do it all over again in September. 

Hook 'em HORNS!

Father, Faith, & Reflections

Picture Taken on Dec. 25th, 1998

***Random Play
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Corrinne May: Beautiful Seed
*Sade: Lovers Rock
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Sharleen Spiteri: Melody
*Sarah McLachlan: Afterglow

Today is the last day of 2008. I've been up for most of the night catching up on work and trying to stay ahead so that I can have a few more days in relaxed mode. As I did my work, I found myself asking, "Xavier, are you wiser now than you were a year ago?" I don't know if I am wiser but I do know that I am emotionally more grounded than I was a year ago. This time last year, I was grieving over the death of my Father. For much of last year, the roles were reversed...I found myself playing the Father figure and my Father became the child. I knew that there would be a day when the tables would be turned, but I didn't expect it to unfold the way it did.

Father was connected to Mother Earth in the sense that he loved to work on various projects. He loved being outdoors. He enjoyed building things. He took pride in being his own person. He was the drummer, brass and woodwind sections of his own band. He was intelligent yet he was much of a simple man. He lived for his family. I was proud to be his son yet I feared that I wouldn't measure up to be the man he'd expect from his only son.

Months before he passed away, Father and I had various heart to heart conversations. We said everything that needed to be said. We held nothing back. He asked me if I was happy in this world. I didn't quite know how to answer because I didn't know how to answer to my Father. He looked right at me and said, "When I'm gone, I want you to be happy and feel connected with your life. I thank God for allowing me to be your Father. Continue to do me proud, Son." He gave me a smile and our eyes met. At that moment, we both knew that we didn't have much time. I held his hand and gave him reasons why God gave him life and made him my Father. It was conversation that plays over and over in my head.

At the Memorial service, I remember feeling numb. I knew I had to be strong for my Mother, Sister, and nieces but I was weak inside. I cry at the drop of hat. All it takes is a sentimental tv commercial and I'm teary eyed. Through most of the service, I tried to take in as many happy memories of Father and our family together. I can recall arriving on a trip during the Summer of 2007 and he was proud that I lost 60 something pounds. He said that I finally looked like him. A compliment that I'll never forget. As a fat child and teenager, he always reminded me that I was too big and that it wouldn't help me out in life. He'd say, "I don't want people to look at my Son and say he's weak. I want people to be mezmorized by this spirit." During this last 18 months of life, I knew that there was a possibility that he would lose his life to Cancer...so I did all I can to look good for myself and my Father.

So here I sit...about 15 pounds heavier than I was at this time last year. I'm not proud of this but I am determined to change that. It helps that I can actually see difference and changes due to a scale and body measurements. It's much harder to determine and answer a question such as 'Are you wiser now than you were a year ago?'

Before my own battle with Cancer, I was on a selfish journey. During Cancer, I learned the truth about the meaning of Life. It never fails, just when I feel as though I understand all the twists and curves of life, I'm thrown for another loop. I do know that Change is inevitable and I need to adjust like a feather fluttering in the wind. Since my Father passed away, I have felt a stronger bond to God, the Virgin Mary, my Angels and Patron Saints. So many other things happened since my Father passed away that aren't really important at this time. Why? Because things have sorted themselves out. Many things in my life are better now than they've ever been. I'm blessed for allowing myself to feel, think, and properly respond. I've always said that it's not about the moments but how we react to them. I had to climb from a few dark corners to really understand what that meant. I know that I'm strong enough to handle anything. Anything.

I am ready to take my whole life to the next level. Time to take this Xavierism model and see what I can really do. So many projects are heading my way. So many things on my To Do List. I am excited about 2009. Thank you to those of you that have allowed me to share with you. I look foward to sharing in the New Year. I've learned from every one that's touched my life. Here's to us...may the Blessings continue throughout the New Year!

PS...I must admit I've held up damn well these past 10 years. Praise, Baby!

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: Laura Maire's In Code
Current Mood: Contemplative, Sleepy, & Hopeful