Xavierism

The Little Things in Life

Our Baby Ella...She's a True Joy!

***Listening to SomaFM's Beat Blender station.

I have so enjoyed the change of seasons. It seems like it took forever for Fall to officially arrive here in Phoenix. It felt great to finally use the duvet cover as a blanket. Woke up this morning with a chilly feeling and was happy to dig out the sweats from the storage containers in the closet. Ahhh...gotta love the surround wrap of warmth.

This week has been special to my spirit. I have lathered myself a calmness that was missing from my Life last week. Frustration set in last week when a client's database agent spilled water on my cell phone. I was listening in to calls and while I stepped away from this agent's desk, she spilled water on Blackberry. I can deal with small accidents but I can't deal with how things are handled to correct matters. The General Manager of the department basically insisted that I deal with db agent directly. First of all, this db agent was new and feared that she may lose her job. Second, things happen so I didn't think this was going to be a such a big deal. Long story short, this matter was resolved and company has now paid for a new cell phone.

So while I allowed frustration to slowly become a cloud around me much like the cartoon character, Pig-Pen, from Peanuts, I shared an evening with the Mother of a Hospice patient. This beautiful woman is about to lose her only son and child. She recently lost her husband and now she will have to prepare herself for another loss in her life. I could feel the pain of her tears as they poured down from her face. Suddenly the cell phone drama wasn't a big deal. As I listened to her, I felt a calm and loving feeling take over. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. Empathy took over my spirit. We spent a few hours chatting in the living room while her son slept in his room. She shared stories about his childhood and accomplishments. She turned to me for support but realized that I needed her just as much.

We get so lost in this jungle of Life. The Little Things in Life seem to be misplaced or tucked away until we're ready to open that box or when we need to escape from our hectic lives. I used to enjoy so many hobbies that I allowed Life to take me away from certain joys. I miss those little things in my life.

For two weeks, I have now worked my hardest during the days. Soon as I head home, I do all I can to complete my work and gather what I need for the following day's To Do List. As much as I love sharing things on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites, I felt that I needed to enjoy my private time just as much. During the evenings, I have caught up on emails, reading my favourite blogs, and writing letters. I've also let go of so many things that I will never use again. It felt great to donate all these items to Goodwill. I want to remain real to myself. I've been reading more, listening to my fave music, and working on a business plan for various projects that have been dancing in my head for quite some time. I am getting a big kick out of sorting through all my pictures. I almost burned my pics from the 80's. Those will be forever locked in the Vault of Xavierism!

I'm thankful for the wonderful friends and family members that are part of my Life. I'm thankful to have a partner that puts up with me. Bless his heart. Thank you for The Little Things in Life. They give me more reason to embrace the Big Things in my Life.

Current Music: Lamb's Softly
    Current Mood: Blessed & Happy!

Proud to be Latino

***Random Play
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Salvador: Aware
*Nichole Nordeman: Woven & Spun
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Paolo Nutini: Sunny Side Up

Like so many other Hispanics, I was glued to the television so I could watch CNN's Soledad O'brien's Latino in America. I was watching this show along with many of my Latino Brothers and Sisters. Thanks to the social network power of Twitter, we were able to share in real time. Actually, most shared their thoughts while I sat back and watched the show.

From what I gathered so many Hispanics felt that their similar Life history wasn't revealed within any of the stories shared. While I did agree with this take, I also felt that the show didn't take me on a journey of any sorts. Yes, it shared life stories about those that struggled to find a place within our American society but I wanted to feel the human interest element about every day Hispanics coping with every day life. 

I was expecting to watch a story about a single young Latina woman raising her children on her own and working a full time job. To share her powerful story...an every day struggle that women of all colours can relate and understand. I know so many of these Hispanic women. These woman can't even enjoy a time out because she has to deal with Life in the moment. Stories about Mothers that thank God that their teenage sons return home at the end of the day for fear of gangs and it's 'dark alley'. This was far from what I expected. It seems as though I had a whole show playing in my head and it was nothing like the segment I watched on CNN.

I know numerous Hispanic people that could be considered mentors for our young youth. Many that would inspire those of all ages. I wanted to watch stories that would have me cheering for my brothers and sisters as I would a football game. I wanted to be proud of our those that were part of Soledad's story. Instead, I was left feeling as though I watched a bad movie and kept asking myself, "Was that it?"

I was blessed to be born into an amazing family. I grew up to believe that Education was the key. What I learned early on was that Education also came in the form of every day Life's experiences. Since I was a young child, I knew I was gay. I didn't know the 'what' or 'why' details but I knew I was different from most of the boys. I can remember being ridiculed for 'being different'. I now know that these feelings caused me to be an emotional eater and the main reason for being overweight during those years. I was up to 250 when graduated high school. I am so thankful for my Catholic faith. Yes, I am very thankful that my Buelita raised me to believe in Angels and Saints. Because of her, I believe my Faith in God, helped me through so many dark moments.

After battles with Cancer, I believe that I am here for a reason. I'm here to share, inspire, and be inspired. Latinos, like every colour and nationality, we want to be respected. We are more than just a maid, gardener, or gang member on a TV show. Maybe I do have more stories to share...

Final thought? I want thank those Latinos that have inspired me throughout my Life. I want to thank those Latinos/Latinas of today that inspire me to be a better person tomorrow. I'm proud to be surrounded by so many Brothers and Sisters that are doing just that. I'm one of 51 million Latinos in American. I'm proud to be Latino.

    Current Music: Laura Marie's In Code

Current Mood: Proud

Phoenix September

***Random Play
*Salvador: Aware
*Sheila Kirsten Hughes: Perspectives
*Rachael Yamagata: Sinking Teeth Into Heart
*Charlotte Martin: On Your Shore
*Plumb: Blink
*Ferras: Aliens & Rainbows

Best part of Sunday is waking up knowing that it's Sunday. Really. I start off each morning with prayers & meditation. The smell of coffee brewing throughout the house always awakens my spirit. Sunday mornings are no different. There's an inner connection with my spiritual side that seems to look forward to Sundays.

Yesterday morning, I ran four miles. Yes, it's just 4 miles but that's a mini marathon for me. Getting back into running has been a huge process for me. I've had to first work on nutrition. I gained weight and I could feel the heaviness with each step. I feel so frustrated when I allow myself to emotionally dismiss the things I need to do to feel better about myself. To get back on track, I've lost weight and am doing my best to eat better. Thanks to a fabulous trainer, I've placed myself on a program. I am running more often. I have built up to running 4 miles at a comfortable pace. For now, it's not about the pace or time but all about feeling in sync with my body as I run. So yesterday's four mile run was a huge milestone. Waking up this morning and not feeling any aches in my body was a huge bonus. I want to bottle this 'physical high'. Instead, I'll have to remind myself that reaching goals always pays off. Always.

From what I can remember Phoenix in September has always been an exciting month. One feels the coming of Fall. Throughout this month, I can't really tell that the temperatures are cooling off. I can feel the shift because I'm always up early mornings but then it's simply a tease because the temps return to the low 100's during the day. I can also feel the difference because I can no longer enjoy night swims in our pool. I could try but permanent shrinkage would occur. I love Summers but give me my Fall season.

I have great memories from Summer of 2009. More so, I learned valuable lessons about Life & friendships. Amazing how you click so well with certain few so quick only to find out that those same friendships were never meant to be.  Throughout my story of Xavierism, I've found when this does happen, I'm blessed with a replacement...and that person usually becomes a fixture in my life. Fate knows. I won't mess with it. I simply thank God & angels for allowing me to have such great relationships in my Life.

Sunday evening. Rodan is at work. I'm here by the pool enjoying a glass of wine. Did you really believe I was going to cut wines out completely while I train for a marathon? If so, you're crazy.

Okay, time to finish this glass of wine and enjoy a small bowl of Butter Pecan ice cream.

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: Charlotte Martin's Every Time It Rains
Current Mood: Chilled

All The Way

***Random Play
*A Fine Frenzy: One Cell In The Sea
*Sheila Kirsten Hughes: Perspectives
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Aly Tadros: Things Worth Keeping
*Salvador: Aware
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter

Time is cruel. Rather that's why I say every time I look into the mirror. Gray hairs are popping up like weeds in one's garden. A new wrinkle on face is given it's own name. Cruel. I remember things from grade school. I can remember how I felt at certain moments in time. Close my eyes and I'm back to the moment when my heart was broken for the first time. The 2nd time. The last time I spoke to my Buelita. The moment that I realized Mother and I have similar looking hands. Grand moments in my book.

The Little things. Like the title of my last blog post, I have really thought about the small blessings that I have taken for granted. It's no secret that I have always wanted to be a Father. I've always pictured that I would have a beautiful little girl. It never happened but am blessed to have three beautiful nieces. It's not the same but it's a grand blessing.

Other people actually have kids. I have three cockatoos. Three little feathered angels. I recently had another dream about St. Scholastica. Like the other dreams, she and I are sitting on the same bench surrounded by a beautiful garden. So many little pigeons, doves and smaller birds are in plain view. She gave me a few words of wisdom and inspiration. Just like the other dreams, I turn away to look at the garden and when I look back at St. Scholastica, she's gone. Every time I have these dreams, I truly feel her Love.

Working with Hospice groups, I also do my share as a volunteer. I have spent time with a few Hospice patients this week. On Tuesday, I had lunch with the Mother of a Hospice patient. She didn't ask for anything...she simply wanted to be heard. She had so much anger at God and this world. She simply wanted someone to listen. I sat. We cried. I gave her a grand hug. Every time I meet with family members or friends of Hospice patients, I always feel as though I should gain something from each experience. 

Busy lives. Busy people. Interaction between neighbours and is a thing of the past. It's great to see that Social Media is bringing people together. I believe that I am pretty good at keeping in touch with good friends. The Little Things seem to be grand things in my life right now. It's the little things that give me Faith & Hope. I am thankful that I can get lost in the sea of my blessings.

Take what you gather from this post. Remember that we each have so much to be thankful for...we really do. I woke up and immediately gave thanks to God, my Angels and Saints for allowing me to be part of this day. I look forward to today's challenges. Life is beautiful. Sometimes we must reflect to see & feel the beauty of it all.

Current Music: Salvador's Here I am
Current Mood: Thankful

The Little Things

 

***Random Play
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Dave Yaden: Bear Me Up
*A Fine Frenzy: One Cell In The Sea
*Salvador: Aware
*Nichole Nordeman: Woven & Spun
*Diana Winter: Escapizm

I received word yesterday that a good friend's sister died. She battled an aggressive Cancer. She was diagnosed 6 months ago and gave her last breath this past Wednesday. She was not a Hospice patient. She was fighting this demon within her body. When I saw her a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but notice her beautiful smile. She was weak from chemotherapy and radiation but her Grace & Love for Life was evident. I called her last week and shared a 5 minute conversation. I mentioned that I would be there to see her soon. I never had the chance to see her again. Her beautiful smile and spirit now lives within me.

I understand and know that every family is different. My friend is a a down to earth man. His Sister was a beautiful person inside and out. Yet their family is not able to share the Love amongst themselves. This family was not close. When I went over yesterday to offer my condolences, the family members kept to themselves. No emotions. No hugging. Nothing. I found it odd. Conversation was about everything else other than the reason we were brought together. As much as I work with Hospice, I understand that such families exist. I never expected to feel or see experience such actions from this particular family.

We always believe that Time is on our side until something happens. I'm thankful that I was brought up to show and share my emotions. My family is far from perfect but our lines of communication are always open. The older I get, the more vulnerable my heart is. Empathy grows.

Each day I learn. I suppose it's the way it's supposed to go. I am grateful for the Love of God, Angels, Patron Saints, family & great friends. Real friends.

I'm blessed.

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: Sheila Kirsten Hughes' Let It Rain Down
Current Mood: Blessed

Now is the Right Time to Help Others...

***Random Play
*Sheila Kirsten Hughes: Perspectives
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Nichole Nordeman: Woven & Spun
*Salvador: Aware
*Eliza Rickman: Gild The Lily
*A Fine Frenzy: One Cell In The Sea

This is my Life. It's not always about the moments but rather how I react to the moments and situations. I'm thankful and blessed for having such a wonderful support system. Family and good friends really keep me grounded. I always feel God, angels & my Patron Saints on my side. The Love is amazing.

If ever I had a problem with a friend, I would always care to confront and discuss so that we can get back on track. I've learned that one can't always do that with certain friends. There are those that simply cannot communicate in a manner that would allow for an open discussion. So I simply do the emotional downgrades and let things rest. One case, my good friend Stephanie emphasized how toxic a certain friend was...and it wasn't until former friend unleashed her true colours did I realize that Steph was right. This person is no longer in my Life. It's true what they say, we learn from each person that walks into our lives.

Open doors to the heart and good things will come. I believe this. I'll never forget a quote that Miki Howard wrote in her CD sleeve notes on her first CD: 'Everyone that says they're a friend doesn't mean they're your friend.' Great quote. I finally had a chance to thank Miki Howard in person after a concert and she looked directly at me and said, "Baby, don't ever forget it. You deserve the best people within your inner circle." That advice has stuck with me for years. Thanks, Miki! Bottom line, I'm blessed to have such great people in my Life!

I would like to thank Frank Dickinson, writer and blog owner of All About The Energy for giving me a Lovely Blog Award. His amazing wife, Ruth Ann, writer and blog owner of RuthAnn's Journey has awarded my blog with an Attitude & Gratitude Award. Thanks to the both of you for such honors. Thank you!

I will gladly display both awards on my blog and pass the Awards to other Blogs that I love and/or have newly discovered. Both awards will be given to each blog I write about...each is that amazing!

I must award both Frank (@FrankDickinson) and RuthAnn (@RuthAnnD) with both awards as well. I discovered both on Twitter. During the time I came across both, I was doing a great deal of soul searching and asking myself if I was ready to return and do work with Hospice groups. I've been fund raising and event planning for various benefits but I had kept away as Volunteer coordinator and volunteer work because I wasn't shure if I was ready to return. I remember writing about this. I actually read their blogs before I added each to my Twitter stream.  Each offered a piece to the puzzle of inspiration that I needed at the time. Since then, I always look forward to their blog updates. So thank you Frank & RuthAnn!

*Showers and Sunflowers: I have been following Jude (@HipieChickJude) since my LiveJournal days. I have an amazing connection with Jude. When I first read her words, it was as though I knew her all my Life. She's always been there when I needed support. She's always been there and offered support even when I didn't ask. It's as though she knew I did. We've chatted on the phone various times. I'm honored to have Jude in my Life. She is my Sunflower Angel. Thank you, Jude!

*Jemfyr: Vision, taste, texture and fragrant life!: I met Lynette through my Twitter feed as well. I love her writing. She adds textures and Love to her poems. Read her words you can almost taste, feel, hear, see, & touch the Joy. Experience her Love...visit her blog!

*KellyOlexa.com - Body:  I adore Kelly. She has really helped me with my everyday physical being. I so want to train harder & eat properly. She is my insight to better Living. Thanks Kelly for all your help!

*Matt, Liz and Madeline: I came across Matt's blog after reading about his story on another blog. I read his story and cried with sadness & joy. I won't give anything away in case you are not familiar with Matt's Life. Inspiritation & joy is all within his blog.

If you have free time and want to help others, I highly suggest you offer yourself and donate time to a good cause. Various non profit organizations need bodies to help spread their cause. You can make a difference. It doesn't matter what it is, just get out there and feel good about donating your time and service. I promise you...what you get back is truly immeasurable.

*VolunteerMatch.org

*NetworkForGood.org

I wish I could sit down and just write blog posts like I use to. I actually have many things and topics to write about. Seems the posts dont escape from my head and notes. I MUST CHANGE THIS! Time to head out of office and spend time with Hospice patients and families. Thanks for sharing. Enjoy the Moment!

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: A Fine Frenzy's You Picked Me
Current Mood: Thankful & Inspired

Pass It On. Keep the Joy Flowing...

 

***Random Play
*Nichole Nordeman: The Best of Nichole Nordeman
*Missy Higgins: On A Clear Night
*Texas: The Greatest Hits
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Paolo Nutini: Sunny Side Up
*Nadine Zahr: Underneath The Everyday

So much negativity in this world. You can't get away from it. Gotta strive to bring on positivity in your life and to the lives of others. Working with Hospice groups has taught me to be thankful about my own Life & blessings.

I thought about Tyler Hurst's (@tdhurst) blog post, Smile at a Stranger. What a great post. It's short, simple and to the point. Read it.

I'll be spending time with a few Hospice patients today. When I'm with each patient, I try to give them all I have. I want each patient to know that they brought & gave and continue to give something to this world. I let each patient know they had a purpose in this world and that I'm still learning from each. 

Compassion & Empathy...it feeds my Hope & Faith. I have a purpose and mission today...to keep the Joy flowing.

Smile...allow others to feel the Happiness. Thanks for sharing.

****Cheers!*****

Current Music: Texas' Say What You Want
Current Mood: Happy Go Lucky & Hungry!

Short & Simple

Yesterday started out a bit rough. We found out that our pool pump wasn't working correctly. Turns out there was a crack in a major part and needed replacement. Why must it break down during a hot summer day?

Yesterday afternoon, a spiritual adviser from a hospice group called and asked if I was free to spend time with a new patient. Turns out that a new volunteer had a change of heart and decided that this type of volunteer work wasn't for her.  So the adviser gave me the details about this patient and I agreed to spend time with patient later this week. He specifically asked that I met with this patient yesterday afternoon. I mentioned that it simply wasn't the best of days but again asked if I could make the time to meet patient hours later.

This Hospice patient is 32 years young. Parents are still in shock that their only child will no longer be part of their world soon. On the way to patient's house, I was thinking about little things in Life and the anger I had for things that really didn't play a huge part in my life. Once I arrived at the patient's house, the Spiritual adviser greeted me at the front door. The parents were in the Living room. I introduced myself and the Mother hugged me and said through tears, "My Baby is dying." I tried to comfort her but I know all too well there is no way to comfort a grieving parent.

Initially, I wanted to spend an hour with this patient. We ended up sharing a few hours together. Patient would talk. I listened. We cried. We laughed. As a Cancer survivor, I know that that could have easily been me or a loved one. One just never knows.

I woke up yesterday frustrated at Life. Tonight I count my blessings and I pray to God that I wake up later this morning to give thanks again for a beautiful day.

Life. It's precious. Cherish This Moment.

Happy 4th of July, USA!

***Random Play
*Nichole Nordeman's Woven & Spun
*Trisha Yearwood's (Songbook) A Collection of Hits
*Oleta Adams: All The Love
*Patsy Moore: The Most Private Confessions of St. Clair
*Julia Fordham: That's Life
*Sade: Lovers Rock

First of all, thank you for the Birthday wishes, cards, emails, voice messages, and phone calls. I do appreciate the Love. Another year older but I feel like a kid surrounded with all the Love. Thank you.

It's great to see that The Statue of Liberty's Crown will be open again for the first time since September 11th, 2001. Such a beautiful Lady! I know that I take the little things for granted living here in this country. Freedom and liberties can not be taken for granted. I was quickly reminded of that while viewing coverage of the recent protests that took place in Iran. People all over this world desperately want to express themselves freely but instead live in fear. That's not living.

I salute those that have served and are currently serving in the US military. Conservatives, Liberals, Republicans, Democrats...we voice our opinions because we love our country. I'm blessed that we are able to stand up for our political choices & rights. May we always remember those that died for this country. Happy Birthday to the greatest country in the world!

Current Music: Oleta Adam's Sweet Side of Life
Current Mood: Blessed!

Thoughts on My Birthday/Repost from 07/02/2008

Baby Xavier on his 1st Birthday

***I felt this post from last year describes very much how I feel today. I thought a repost of this entry would be appropriate.

***Random Play
*Maureen Murphy: Won't Wait Around EP
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Guyton Maurice: 20 Questions
*Mozella: I Will
*Sia: Some People Have Real Problems
*Melissa Polinar: Sound Vault Sessions EP

Last night I caught myself asking God for a Bubble Gum wish. With every thing happening in the world, I couldn't believe I was asking him for such a self pity wish. I was reminded immediately of an episode of Touch By An Angel when Tess says, "God is not a vending machine where you stick in your prayer and pull out your prize." That's so true. I remember as a kid and didn't want to go to school the following morning, I'd make silly deals with God. My favourite one that I can remember was "God, If you make it so that I wake up and it's Sunday again, I promise to be good when it's Monday, okay?"

One of my favourite chores to do around the house is to hang the clothes to dry on the breeze catcher. Doing so reminds me of childhood memories when Buelita would wash clothes out on her back yard. She would hand wash the clothes on an old time washing machine. Then she would hang the clothes on the clothes lines. I remember walking up and down the rows as the clothes would dry. On windy days, the coolness of the damps clothes would feel good against my arms and face. On those same windy days, the wind chimes would be ringing and ringing. It's as though they were singing and sharing their own story. To this day, I hear wind chimes and I think of my Buelita.

Today is another Birthday. I'm a year old yet I'm better looking than ever (<--pure sarcasm). How ever God manages that, I'll never know...but I'm thankful! I'm in my 40's yet my spirit is like that of a teenager's. I remember the growing years where we'd play with the neighbourhood children until it was time to come in to eat dinner with the family. Board games were part of our culture. Riding bicycles up and down the street was actually fun and worthwhile. During summers, Mother would make popsicles from the Tupperware molds.

I'm another year older...but so much younger inside. I'm a responsible adult but deep down the child in me lives on through my wonderful memories. I'm blessed to state that I could never blame a thing on my childhood. Love was abundance. The only thing that is different this birthday that all the others is that I won't get to hear my Father say, "Happy Birthday, Son!". It's been seven months since he's passed on and my life feels somewhat incomplete. Although I've felt that emptiness since Buelita's death. It's a comfort that she comes to me in dreams. I've sensed her from time to time...so I know her love is always with me.

All in all, I'm blessed to be where I'm at in this world. I wouldn't want to be in my 20's. I wouldn't want to be someone else. I may envy someone else's waist size but I wouldn't want to be that person. I'm happy being me. At the end of the day, I thank God for blessing me with two wonderful parents. Like all my other Birthdays, I do not celebrate another year of my life, I celebrate that life that was given to me by my parents & God.

Thank you for the phone calls, emails, text messages, ecards, comments, and the love today. You've made me feel special. I'm honoured to have the people I call friends and family in my life. Thank you!

To all the Americans, embrace and Have a wonderful 4th of July! May Americans and this government wake up and realize that so much of this world could care less about democracy. It's time that the US stood firm and proud again. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else other than The United States of America!

*****BLESSINGS!*****

Current Music: Laura Marie's In Code
Current Mood: Blessed, Thirsty, & Hot!