Xavierism

Now is the Right Time to Help Others...

***Random Play
*Sheila Kirsten Hughes: Perspectives
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Nichole Nordeman: Woven & Spun
*Salvador: Aware
*Eliza Rickman: Gild The Lily
*A Fine Frenzy: One Cell In The Sea

This is my Life. It's not always about the moments but rather how I react to the moments and situations. I'm thankful and blessed for having such a wonderful support system. Family and good friends really keep me grounded. I always feel God, angels & my Patron Saints on my side. The Love is amazing.

If ever I had a problem with a friend, I would always care to confront and discuss so that we can get back on track. I've learned that one can't always do that with certain friends. There are those that simply cannot communicate in a manner that would allow for an open discussion. So I simply do the emotional downgrades and let things rest. One case, my good friend Stephanie emphasized how toxic a certain friend was...and it wasn't until former friend unleashed her true colours did I realize that Steph was right. This person is no longer in my Life. It's true what they say, we learn from each person that walks into our lives.

Open doors to the heart and good things will come. I believe this. I'll never forget a quote that Miki Howard wrote in her CD sleeve notes on her first CD: 'Everyone that says they're a friend doesn't mean they're your friend.' Great quote. I finally had a chance to thank Miki Howard in person after a concert and she looked directly at me and said, "Baby, don't ever forget it. You deserve the best people within your inner circle." That advice has stuck with me for years. Thanks, Miki! Bottom line, I'm blessed to have such great people in my Life!

I would like to thank Frank Dickinson, writer and blog owner of All About The Energy for giving me a Lovely Blog Award. His amazing wife, Ruth Ann, writer and blog owner of RuthAnn's Journey has awarded my blog with an Attitude & Gratitude Award. Thanks to the both of you for such honors. Thank you!

I will gladly display both awards on my blog and pass the Awards to other Blogs that I love and/or have newly discovered. Both awards will be given to each blog I write about...each is that amazing!

I must award both Frank (@FrankDickinson) and RuthAnn (@RuthAnnD) with both awards as well. I discovered both on Twitter. During the time I came across both, I was doing a great deal of soul searching and asking myself if I was ready to return and do work with Hospice groups. I've been fund raising and event planning for various benefits but I had kept away as Volunteer coordinator and volunteer work because I wasn't shure if I was ready to return. I remember writing about this. I actually read their blogs before I added each to my Twitter stream.  Each offered a piece to the puzzle of inspiration that I needed at the time. Since then, I always look forward to their blog updates. So thank you Frank & RuthAnn!

*Showers and Sunflowers: I have been following Jude (@HipieChickJude) since my LiveJournal days. I have an amazing connection with Jude. When I first read her words, it was as though I knew her all my Life. She's always been there when I needed support. She's always been there and offered support even when I didn't ask. It's as though she knew I did. We've chatted on the phone various times. I'm honored to have Jude in my Life. She is my Sunflower Angel. Thank you, Jude!

*Jemfyr: Vision, taste, texture and fragrant life!: I met Lynette through my Twitter feed as well. I love her writing. She adds textures and Love to her poems. Read her words you can almost taste, feel, hear, see, & touch the Joy. Experience her Love...visit her blog!

*KellyOlexa.com - Body:  I adore Kelly. She has really helped me with my everyday physical being. I so want to train harder & eat properly. She is my insight to better Living. Thanks Kelly for all your help!

*Matt, Liz and Madeline: I came across Matt's blog after reading about his story on another blog. I read his story and cried with sadness & joy. I won't give anything away in case you are not familiar with Matt's Life. Inspiritation & joy is all within his blog.

If you have free time and want to help others, I highly suggest you offer yourself and donate time to a good cause. Various non profit organizations need bodies to help spread their cause. You can make a difference. It doesn't matter what it is, just get out there and feel good about donating your time and service. I promise you...what you get back is truly immeasurable.

*VolunteerMatch.org

*NetworkForGood.org

I wish I could sit down and just write blog posts like I use to. I actually have many things and topics to write about. Seems the posts dont escape from my head and notes. I MUST CHANGE THIS! Time to head out of office and spend time with Hospice patients and families. Thanks for sharing. Enjoy the Moment!

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: A Fine Frenzy's You Picked Me
Current Mood: Thankful & Inspired

Father, Faith, & Reflections

Picture Taken on Dec. 25th, 1998

***Random Play
*Diana Winter: Escapizm
*Corrinne May: Beautiful Seed
*Sade: Lovers Rock
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Sharleen Spiteri: Melody
*Sarah McLachlan: Afterglow

Today is the last day of 2008. I've been up for most of the night catching up on work and trying to stay ahead so that I can have a few more days in relaxed mode. As I did my work, I found myself asking, "Xavier, are you wiser now than you were a year ago?" I don't know if I am wiser but I do know that I am emotionally more grounded than I was a year ago. This time last year, I was grieving over the death of my Father. For much of last year, the roles were reversed...I found myself playing the Father figure and my Father became the child. I knew that there would be a day when the tables would be turned, but I didn't expect it to unfold the way it did.

Father was connected to Mother Earth in the sense that he loved to work on various projects. He loved being outdoors. He enjoyed building things. He took pride in being his own person. He was the drummer, brass and woodwind sections of his own band. He was intelligent yet he was much of a simple man. He lived for his family. I was proud to be his son yet I feared that I wouldn't measure up to be the man he'd expect from his only son.

Months before he passed away, Father and I had various heart to heart conversations. We said everything that needed to be said. We held nothing back. He asked me if I was happy in this world. I didn't quite know how to answer because I didn't know how to answer to my Father. He looked right at me and said, "When I'm gone, I want you to be happy and feel connected with your life. I thank God for allowing me to be your Father. Continue to do me proud, Son." He gave me a smile and our eyes met. At that moment, we both knew that we didn't have much time. I held his hand and gave him reasons why God gave him life and made him my Father. It was conversation that plays over and over in my head.

At the Memorial service, I remember feeling numb. I knew I had to be strong for my Mother, Sister, and nieces but I was weak inside. I cry at the drop of hat. All it takes is a sentimental tv commercial and I'm teary eyed. Through most of the service, I tried to take in as many happy memories of Father and our family together. I can recall arriving on a trip during the Summer of 2007 and he was proud that I lost 60 something pounds. He said that I finally looked like him. A compliment that I'll never forget. As a fat child and teenager, he always reminded me that I was too big and that it wouldn't help me out in life. He'd say, "I don't want people to look at my Son and say he's weak. I want people to be mezmorized by this spirit." During this last 18 months of life, I knew that there was a possibility that he would lose his life to Cancer...so I did all I can to look good for myself and my Father.

So here I sit...about 15 pounds heavier than I was at this time last year. I'm not proud of this but I am determined to change that. It helps that I can actually see difference and changes due to a scale and body measurements. It's much harder to determine and answer a question such as 'Are you wiser now than you were a year ago?'

Before my own battle with Cancer, I was on a selfish journey. During Cancer, I learned the truth about the meaning of Life. It never fails, just when I feel as though I understand all the twists and curves of life, I'm thrown for another loop. I do know that Change is inevitable and I need to adjust like a feather fluttering in the wind. Since my Father passed away, I have felt a stronger bond to God, the Virgin Mary, my Angels and Patron Saints. So many other things happened since my Father passed away that aren't really important at this time. Why? Because things have sorted themselves out. Many things in my life are better now than they've ever been. I'm blessed for allowing myself to feel, think, and properly respond. I've always said that it's not about the moments but how we react to them. I had to climb from a few dark corners to really understand what that meant. I know that I'm strong enough to handle anything. Anything.

I am ready to take my whole life to the next level. Time to take this Xavierism model and see what I can really do. So many projects are heading my way. So many things on my To Do List. I am excited about 2009. Thank you to those of you that have allowed me to share with you. I look foward to sharing in the New Year. I've learned from every one that's touched my life. Here's to us...may the Blessings continue throughout the New Year!

PS...I must admit I've held up damn well these past 10 years. Praise, Baby!

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: Laura Maire's In Code
Current Mood: Contemplative, Sleepy, & Hopeful

Thoughts on My Birthday

Baby Xavier on his 1st Birthday

***Random Play
*Maureen Murphy: Won't Wait Around EP
*Laura Marie: Drawn
*Guyton Maurice: 20 Questions
*Mozella: I Will
*Sia: Some People Have Real Problems
*Melissa Polinar: Sound Vault Sessions EP

Last night I caught myself asking God for a Bubble Gum wish. With every thing happening in the world, I couldn't believe I was asking him for such a self pity wish. I was reminded immediately of an episode of Touch By An Angel when Tess says, "God is not a vending machine where you stick in your prayer and pull out your prize." That's so true. I remember as a kid and didn't want to go to school the following morning, I'd make silly deals with God. My favourite one that I can remember was "God, If you make it so that I wake up and it's Sunday again, I promise to be good when it's Monday, okay?"

One of my favourite chores to do around the house is to hang the clothes to dry on the breeze catcher. Doing so reminds me of childhood memories when Buelita would wash clothes out on her back yard. She would hand wash the clothes on an old time washing machine. Then she would hang the clothes on the clothes lines. I remember walking up and down the rows as the clothes would dry. On windy days, the coolness of the damps clothes would feel good against my arms and face. On those same windy days, the wind chimes would be ringing and ringing. It's as though they were singing and sharing their own story. To this day, I hear wind chimes and I think of my Buelita.

Today is another Birthday. I'm a year old yet I'm better looking than ever. How ever God manages that, I'll never know...but I'm thankful! I'm in my 40's yet my spirit is like that of a teenager's. I remember the growing years where we'd play with the neighbourhood children until it was time to come in to eat dinner with the family. Board games were part of our culture. Riding bicycles up and down the street was actually fun and worthwhile. During summers, Mother would make popsicles from the Tupperware molds.

I'm another year older...but so much younger inside. I'm a responsible adult but deep down the child in me lives on through my wonderful memories. I'm blessed to state that I could never blame a thing on my childhood. Love was abundance. The only thing that is different this birthday that all the others is that I won't get to hear my Father say, "Happy Birthday, Son!". It's been seven months since he's passed on and my life feels somewhat incomplete. Although I've felt that emptiness since Buelita's death. It's a comfort that she comes to me in dreams. I've sensed her from time to time...so I know her love is always with me.

All in all, I'm blessed to be where I'm at in this world. I wouldn't want to be in my 20's. I wouldn't want to be someone else. I may envy someone else's waist size but I wouldn't want to be that person. I'm happy being me. At the end of the day, I thank God for blessing me with two wonderful parents. Like all my other Birthdays, I do not celebrate another year of my life, I celebrate that life that was given to me by my parents & God.

Thank you for the phone calls, emails, text messages, ecards, comments, and the love today. You've made me feel special. I'm honoured to have the people I call friends and family in my life. Thank you!

To all the Americans, embrace and Have a wonderful 4th of July! May Americans and this government wake up and realize that so much of this world could care less about democracy. It's time that the US stood firm and proud again. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else other than The United States of America!

*****BLESSINGS!*****

Current Music: Laura Marie's In Code
Current Mood: Blessed, Thirsty, & Hot!

Amazed

***Random Play
*Nichole Nordeman: Recollection: The Best of Nichole Nordeman
*Maureen Murphy: Won't Wait Around EP
*Caedmon's Call: Overdressed
*Charlotte Sometimes: Waves & The Both of Us
*Gavin Rossdale: Wanderlust
*Corrinne May: Beautiful Seed

I am amazed that I'm a witness to another beautiful day. It's hot here in Phoenix. Thank God we're expecting a high of 105 degrees today. That's cooler than yesterday's 109. Whew!

Drops of Hope have been added to my Faith. Love carries on. Dreams feel like reality. A beautiful world awaits for me each and every time I sleep. Today will be a fabulous day. I feel it. I know it. I'm amazed.

Current Music: Gavin Rossdale's Love Remains The Same
Current Mood: Amazed

My Faith

My Buelita's quote. Design by Vix.

***Random Play
*Melissa Polinar: Sound Vault Sessions EP
*Shannon Curtis: Boomerangs & Seesaws
*Guyton Maurice: 20 Questions
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Laure Marie: Drawn
*Sacha Sacket: Lovers & Leaders

For the most post, my blog entries are pretty much written out within my head. If I were to write my blog as often as I should, I'd say I have the next seven or eight posts written. It's always simply a matter of sitting down and allowing the words to freely flow from my fingers to the keyboard. I remember writing my blog on a regular basis and feeling good about what I wrote. I felt as though my thoughts and expressions were a true representation of myself. Now that I haven't been writing as much, I feel as though I haven't been true to myself. Writing is cathartic. I may not be the best of writers but I write what I feel and share with friends.

It's been over 4 months since my Father passed away. Over the last few days, I've been reliving his last days over and over. I always believed that I'd have my Father for years and years. We were close. We shared. We were best friends. I feel the absence yet I feel his love and strength in my soul. I had a dream about him last night. It was short and sweet. In the dream, he asked that I not worry about him. He was okay...and most of all pain free. The dream ended after he said that he would continue to be there for me. I woke up feeling as though my prayers had been answered.

St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Joan of Arc, St. Peregrine Laziosi, St. Ambrose of Milan, St. Scholastica and my angels are a constant source of love and understanding. While attending Mass, I gave thanks to each of them for being with me for as long as I can remember. The earliest recollection of sharing a conversation with one of my Saints was when I was about 8 years old. I was playing in my Grandmother's back yard and I was talking to St. Joan of Arc as though she were there with me. I didn't hear her voice but I felt her spirit.

As a Cancer survivor, I have made peace with the fact that it may return...and if it does, I will fight it again just as I have twice before.  In early 1998, I was admitted to the hospital for additional tests. Doctors wanted to make shure that Cancer hadn't made it's way back. I remember telling my Mother on the phone not to worry and that a trip to Arizona would not be needed at that time. As soon as I hung up the phone, I remember crying and feeling so alone. I didn't share with friends because I was afraid to worry anyone. I remember lying awake in bed. I was the only patient in the semi private room. I remember facing towards the partian and suddenly a low light against the curtain began to illuminate. The silhouette of St.  Joan of Arc appeared for a few seconds. It was so brief but I remember it as though it went on for quite some time. After that moment, I knew that I would be okay. I felt a blanket of love around me. It was as though she lifted the fear within me. Tests results showed that other than a viral infection, I was in good health. Other than with family members and good friends, I've never written about this treasured memory. For some reason, I felt compelled to share.

Faith. I remember that moment taught to surrender my fears to a greater source, God. No matter how down I am or how defeated I feel, I never allow my Faith to be taken from me. I simply ask my Saints and Angels to give me the strength to place my Faith on autopilot. Faith feeds me Hope. Hope gives me the drive and free will to write a happy ending  to a troubling situation or moment.

It's sad to see so many people lack Faith. If you know of someone in need of Faith or Hope, give them the time of day. You could be that person's guardian angel. I do believe in small miracles. They happen each day...we are simply caught up in the struggles of every day living that we forget about the little things. Faith, Hope, & Empathy keep me ground.

After watching the Compassion Forum on CNN, I felt that both Clinton and Oprahama sounded like politicians. Of course, they are on the election trail so neither can offend. I can so there goes. I try not to ask God during the tough moments why I'm in certain situations or why it is that I am there in the first place. When I have caught myself doing so, I sound so selfish...and it's far from what I want to hear from myself.

I remember Buelita would say, "God is present in the wind. You can't see him but your faith allows you to feel him." I can't picture where I'd be if Faith didn't play such a big role in my life. Since my Father passed away, my Faith has been a bigger presence in my life. Even during my down moments, I can cry and cry and know that I'll be okay.

As a Cancer survivor, I often wonder why I'm still on this earth. I don't understand why I'm still here yet others aren't able to survive and share their stories. Maybe I'm here to share my story and to continue living for all my loved ones that aren't here. Everybody has a story. I have many stories. I should go back and write about many that I've neglected to write about because I always felt they wouldn't matter to anyone other than myself. Maybe I'm supposed to write about those moments. Maybe, maybe...I don't know. I just know that I'm thankful for this moment. I'm alive to enjoy it.

Thank you St. Scholastica for the amazing words of wisdom in a recent dream. You gave me the strenght and guiadance that I needed. You answered many of my questions.

Thanks to each of you that allow me to share with you...

Current Music: Melissa Polinar's Freedom
Current Mood: Thankful & Blessed

Simple Joys

There's nothing like having an angel in my arms. I feel good knowing that Kylie feels safe in my arms.  This is a simply joy in life I'll always treasure.

May each of us have & create treasured moments throughout 2008!

Blessings galore!

*CHEERS!*

Current Music: Skye's Love Show
Current Mood: Blessed, Loved, & Content

My Way Back...

I'm slowly finding my way back...

Current Music: Annie Lennox's Waiting In Vain
Current Mood: Lost & Hopeful

No More "I Love You's"

***Random Play
*Melissa Polinar: Sound Vault Sessions EP
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Mozella: I Will
*Allison Sattinger: VOX
*Sacha Sacket: Lovers & Leaders
*Colbie Caillat: Coco

As I look back, 2007 gave me a cruel summer. One that found me emotionally lopsided. I prayed for a moment of steady ground and instead I was given constant rumblings of uncertainty.

I have learned to be my own best friend yet again. The reflection on the mirror doesn't lie. Move forward, move onward. Move towards happiness.  I'm dealing. I'm going. I'm back on track. I turned my back on my angels and saints. I turned my back on myself...but here I am.

I survived the heartache, tears, and the turbulence within my own head. No more shoutfests. I hear myself breathing. I feel my heart pounding. I am feel my legs moving in the right direction. I found my journey shoes. I'm able to walk forward. I lost myself. I hope I never go through such a harsh storm again. If I do, I know that I will always have my faith on my side. I may not know where I'm going...but my faith will always be right beside me.

This past summer forced me to rediscover the beauty of life. Here I am. New adventures. New beginnings.

Current Music: Allison Sattinger's No More Room
Current Mood: Hopeful, Indescribable, Thankful, & Optimistic

Jimmy Carter Said it Best

Former President Jimmy Carter, a Democrat, once remarked of the fundamentalist leader (Jerry Falwell) , "In a very Christian way, as far as I'm concerned, he can go to hell!"

Yeah, he said it best.

Weekend Affair By The Pool

Group pic with Coles Whalen, Angie Stevens, & Crissy.

***Random Play
*Lou Rhodes: Beloved One
*Julie Loyd: The Waiting Room
*Angie Stevens: Stand Up Girl 2
*Nadine Zahr: Underneath The Everyday
*Rosie Thomas: These Friends of Mine
*Raina Rose: The Prophet, The Panhandler, & The Moon

It's finally the weekend. I am looking forward to this weekend. These past few weeks have been jam packed with work, meetings, and music projects. For the past month, I've had singer/songwriters in town for various gigs and TV/radio spots. As much as I love what and how I help musicians, I need a break to physically rejuvenate.

Genevieve, Raina Rose, John Elliott, Adam Fallon, Isaac Johnson, Wensday, Amy Roberts, Julie Loyd, Coles Whalen, Angie Stevens, Shaun Barrowes, Colleen Grace, Matt Pavolaitis, Tiff Jimber, Amber Norgaard, Alden Powers, and Ben Roberts...thanks to each of you. I've enjoyed working with each of you...and I look forward to bigger & better things in future! Wow...what an impressive list of musicians. Yes, I'm the lucky & blessed one.

House projects are coming along. Breeze catcher will be going up this weekend. The pool was getting nasty. We thought that the pump was broken but turns out there is another filter that needs cleaning. Once we did that, the pump & filter began to work properly. We add all the chemicals needed to have a "healthy" pool. The pool is now ready for summer fun. Fabulous, eh? A few more house projects need to be completed before we can officially plan our first summer house/pool party.  I plan to enjoy a weekend affair by the pool. Care to join me?

The birds are doing well. Kylie had a bad moment last weekend. She loves playing with her coloured plastic letters.  Somehow, she managed to get a letter stuck in her throat and under her beak. When I realized it was stuck, I had to calm her down before it could be dislodged. Once I removed it, she was terrified of me. I believed that this was a one time thing and kept the letters in/on her cage. Next morning, the same thing happened. Now, Kylie wants nothing to do with me. She did this over a few months last year after her flight feathers were clipped. Until then, I do what I can to win back her love & trust. Since then, all the plastic letters have been removed from all of the bird cages.

Omar & Ella are doing well. Omar is Omar...filled with love, joy, and plucked feathers. Ella is a happy go lucky bird. She loves sunflower seeds and enjoys playing with the strips from her pinata.

I look around and realize that I'm filled with the goodness of life. I've got someone I love, a beautiful house, a family of feathered angels, good friends, supportive family members, an understanding mother, and in the words of Jann Arden, "A Good Mother."

To all the Mothers, I wish each of you a fabulous & loving Mother's Day. I'm thankful to have such a wonderful mother that is there for me every step and breath of my life. Thank you, Mother!

Pool time and dinner with good friends is a perfect weekend combo. Enjoy the weekend!

*****CHEERS!*****

Current Music: ANGIE STEVEN's Sleep Never Comes
Current Mood: Relaxed, Thankful, and Sangria Thirsty!