My Buelita's quote. Design by Vix.
***Random Play
*Melissa Polinar: Sound Vault Sessions EP
*Shannon Curtis: Boomerangs & Seesaws
*Guyton Maurice: 20 Questions
*Celia Chavez: Sailor's Daughter
*Laure Marie: Drawn
*Sacha Sacket: Lovers & Leaders
For the most post, my blog entries are pretty much written out within my head. If I were to write my blog as often as I should, I'd say I have the next seven or eight posts written. It's always simply a matter of sitting down and allowing the words to freely flow from my fingers to the keyboard. I remember writing my blog on a regular basis and feeling good about what I wrote. I felt as though my thoughts and expressions were a true representation of myself. Now that I haven't been writing as much, I feel as though I haven't been true to myself. Writing is cathartic. I may not be the best of writers but I write what I feel and share with friends.
It's been over 4 months since my Father passed away. Over the last few days, I've been reliving his last days over and over. I always believed that I'd have my Father for years and years. We were close. We shared. We were best friends. I feel the absence yet I feel his love and strength in my soul. I had a dream about him last night. It was short and sweet. In the dream, he asked that I not worry about him. He was okay...and most of all pain free. The dream ended after he said that he would continue to be there for me. I woke up feeling as though my prayers had been answered.
St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Joan of Arc, St. Peregrine Laziosi, St. Ambrose of Milan, St. Scholastica and my angels are a constant source of love and understanding. While attending Mass, I gave thanks to each of them for being with me for as long as I can remember. The earliest recollection of sharing a conversation with one of my Saints was when I was about 8 years old. I was playing in my Grandmother's back yard and I was talking to St. Joan of Arc as though she were there with me. I didn't hear her voice but I felt her spirit.
As a Cancer survivor, I have made peace with the fact that it may return...and if it does, I will fight it again just as I have twice before. In early 1998, I was admitted to the hospital for additional tests. Doctors wanted to make shure that Cancer hadn't made it's way back. I remember telling my Mother on the phone not to worry and that a trip to Arizona would not be needed at that time. As soon as I hung up the phone, I remember crying and feeling so alone. I didn't share with friends because I was afraid to worry anyone. I remember lying awake in bed. I was the only patient in the semi private room. I remember facing towards the partian and suddenly a low light against the curtain began to illuminate. The silhouette of St. Joan of Arc appeared for a few seconds. It was so brief but I remember it as though it went on for quite some time. After that moment, I knew that I would be okay. I felt a blanket of love around me. It was as though she lifted the fear within me. Tests results showed that other than a viral infection, I was in good health. Other than with family members and good friends, I've never written about this treasured memory. For some reason, I felt compelled to share.
Faith. I remember that moment taught to surrender my fears to a greater source, God. No matter how down I am or how defeated I feel, I never allow my Faith to be taken from me. I simply ask my Saints and Angels to give me the strength to place my Faith on autopilot. Faith feeds me Hope. Hope gives me the drive and free will to write a happy ending to a troubling situation or moment.
It's sad to see so many people lack Faith. If you know of someone in need of Faith or Hope, give them the time of day. You could be that person's guardian angel. I do believe in small miracles. They happen each day...we are simply caught up in the struggles of every day living that we forget about the little things. Faith, Hope, & Empathy keep me ground.
After watching the Compassion Forum on CNN, I felt that both Clinton and Oprahama sounded like politicians. Of course, they are on the election trail so neither can offend. I can so there goes. I try not to ask God during the tough moments why I'm in certain situations or why it is that I am there in the first place. When I have caught myself doing so, I sound so selfish...and it's far from what I want to hear from myself.
I remember Buelita would say, "God is present in the wind. You can't see him but your faith allows you to feel him." I can't picture where I'd be if Faith didn't play such a big role in my life. Since my Father passed away, my Faith has been a bigger presence in my life. Even during my down moments, I can cry and cry and know that I'll be okay.
As a Cancer survivor, I often wonder why I'm still on this earth. I don't understand why I'm still here yet others aren't able to survive and share their stories. Maybe I'm here to share my story and to continue living for all my loved ones that aren't here. Everybody has a story. I have many stories. I should go back and write about many that I've neglected to write about because I always felt they wouldn't matter to anyone other than myself. Maybe I'm supposed to write about those moments. Maybe, maybe...I don't know. I just know that I'm thankful for this moment. I'm alive to enjoy it.
Thank you St. Scholastica for the amazing words of wisdom in a recent dream. You gave me the strenght and guiadance that I needed. You answered many of my questions.
Thanks to each of you that allow me to share with you...
Current Music: Melissa Polinar's Freedom
Current Mood: Thankful & Blessed